Enough is Enough
On motherhood, perfectionism, and learning when to stop
There is nothing quite like the satisfaction that comes with a job well done. But as a recovering perfectionist, I’ve been on a progressive journey of learning to recognize when to say enough is enough at the end of the day.
The need for continued personal growth in this area became blatantly clear when I noticed my children occasionally reflecting my tendencies. At first, I was stumped because, knowing my struggle in this area, I have always been extremely careful with how I respond to them when they make a mistake. But then I realized,
“Maybe they aren’t reflecting how I respond to them when they mess up, but instead are mirroring the standards I set on myself.”
And that thought alone was enough to halt me in my tracks and dig deeper.
There is a difference between perfectionism and a job well done.
When I was studying at university, I had a love/hate relationship with writing. Knowing my essays and papers would be critiqued and graded brought out the worst side of my perfectionism.
It didn’t help that I was old-school and preferred editing on physical paper.
I would write my rough draft in a notebook and then type it into a Word document, making the first round of edits as I went. Then, I would print it and go to battle with my red pen in hand. Crossing out nearly every line, I would write out the newly revised/edited sentences and paragraphs in the white spaces and margins. My earlier drafts were always so covered in red that they looked like they had nearly bled to death.
There were plenty of times I got my papers to a place where I felt proud of the work I had done, but the nights before a paper was due were often close to all-nighters because I could always find another thing to fix.
When my husband and I got married, I quickly saw how my perfectionist tendencies weren't restricted to writing papers and were adding extra stress to our relationship. I was already feeling burnt out by the years I strove to meet the unrealistically high expectations I set on myself, and decided I was done carrying the burden of it with me through life.
But habits built over years rarely disappear overnight.
While there are no perfect mothers, you are the mother your child needs.
In the earliest years of motherhood, I realized how social media was egging on my perfectionism, making me feel completely inadequate. Constantly scrolling through a feed of moms doing elaborate crafts with their children, reels of tea-party play dates where every child is fashionably dressed, and beautifully crafted meal plans, was not good for my mental health.
I once had a counselor tell me to stop trying to make myself be like other moms.
“You are the mother your children need, and your constant comparison is drowning out the sound of your own intuition.”
Deactivating my Instagram and Facebook helped a lot, and also gave me the mental space to notice something — when you spend enough time with other moms at play-dates, the playground, and school, you eventually see too much into each other's lives for there to be a facade of “having it all together.”
We all had our strengths and our challenges, and were just trying to figure out how best to navigate this perfectly imperfect journey of motherhood.
Learning the balance of recognizing when to stop for the day.
Six months ago, I started writing – first on Medium and later on Substack. I quickly saw my old perfectionism come out of hibernation. But this time, I had some more tools at my disposal.
The most important one has been acknowledging when enough is enough for the day.
This came up again for me last week as I started working on a new project. Thanks to The Unbothered Earner,1 I was able to pinpoint an area to use writing to make some money with a product that I know solves a real problem because I have lived through it and also been a resource to countless mothers going through the same thing.
For several months, I had been brainstorming how to use writing to earn money in the small pockets of time I have as a SAHM (without turning on paid subscriptions for Substack). It’s so funny how the answer was sitting right in front of me all along, but being so interwoven in my life, I didn’t realize what I had to offer.
As I began to work on the project, I found myself wanting to race through it so it would be finished. I quickly found myself needing to set boundaries for acknowledging when enough was enough for the day.
Just last night, I considered finishing the chapter I had started writing earlier in the day. My husband had lesson plans to complete for his students’ new math unit, so it wouldn’t take away from time together after the kids were in bed. But then I thought about the two hours I had already spent finishing the first chapter and starting the second. I decided to let the progress I had made be enough for the day.
Instead of spending more time on my laptop, I applied a face mask, grabbed my current book, and read a few chapters. Towards the end of one of the chapters, I started to nod off and decided it was time to call it a night.
Here are some things that I've found helpful over the years.
When I thought about whether I should once again2 dive into a challenge I’ve been working through for this week’s article, it was an easy yes.
I’ve had enough of seeing the polished versions of people’s lives through social media, and I’m done with it — quite literally, as I deleted my Instagram and Facebook (for a second time in my life) just this Spring.
One of my main hopes through writing has been to build connections with other women through our perfectly imperfect journeys of life. That doesn’t happen unless I’m willing to share some of the more imperfect pictures of my own story.
We are all on our own path, but in the chance that part of this article resonated with you, I wanted to share some of the things I have found helpful over the years.
Time limit for my writing: If I don’t give myself time limits for writing and editing an article, I can easily spend way too many hours editing a piece.
Less screens before bed: If I don’t tell myself to minimize screens, the hour before I go to sleep, I tend to open the laptop and try to work on whatever project isn’t finished.
Gratitude: Choosing to be grateful for the work you were able to put in and the progress you have made so far. Choosing to be grateful for the lessons you are learning in the process. Choosing to find gratitude even for the roadblocks and delays.
Acknowledgement: allowing yourself to acknowledge and feel proud of the work you have already put in.
That is enough.
Accepting that you have done enough for now is not saying you have given up on trying or that you have lost your motivation.
It is acknowledging that you’ve done enough for now, and maybe it is time to pause and care for yourself instead.
Over time, I’ve realized this mindset affects more than my writing and work habits — it also affects how I treat my body. This is exactly why I designed a workout guide, as I learned more about how to care for my body based on the time of my cycle. I was tired of pushing my body to do more in a workout when my body was just asking for more gentle movement for a few days.
If you have felt the same and would like to check out the guide, you can download a free copy here!
And on that note, I believe I’ve said enough for this week’s post.
Just Feel It
Years ago, in my Psychiatric Nursing class, I remember learning how our bodies were never intended to indefinitely carry emotions such as stress, grief, or anxiety, without it affecting us.
I, too, consider myself a recovering perfectionist, so your article really resonated, Rebekah! One of my biggest challenges was learning not to 'perfect' things when people came over - the house would have to be spotless, and I'd do an elaborate meal, which would be tiring and stressful and take the fun out of it. My son has been a great teacher here -he's shown me that he's happiest in the mess and the imperfection. All he cares about is whether I spend time with him in it 💛
I've definitely felt the same before. It was a big weight off my shoulders when I decided to stop feeling like the house had to be clean before we could host people.
Thanks for reading! 💜